more than just v fib
more than v fib.
Today I misdiagnosed the arrhythmia beeping on the monitor representing the fake plastic dummy man named Chris. I looked at the monitor and patient in front of me -- Chris was in sinus rhythm and then he was in v tach and then he was in v fib and then (I thought) he was in PEA except he was still in v fib and I guess I didn’t notice. I gave Epinephrine like it was my job (it is) and nothing really changed. I like to think that Chris wouldn’t have died even if I hadn’t fucked it up; we did excellent CPR and I got electrolytes in a timely fashion and stabilized the cardiac membrane and got the pads on and even though my fake attending/cardiology consult/ECG/pharmacist never showed up and it took longer than it should have, we corrected the hyperkalemia and arrived at defibrillation eventually. We delivered a shockable rhythm and he fake popped into sinus tach and his pulses returned. He lived, but at the end of the simulation I found myself wishing I could trade places with the fake but not dead dummy.
Today a ton of the people that I love and admire are presenting at an academic conference across the country. I could not be prouder and I feel privileged to know and love the people who are saving the kids of America one Monday at a time. I am not in attendance, and recently feeling inadequate secondary to the not-so-subtle arrival of imposter syndrome as I navigate the process of fellowship applications. The unknown of the whole rest of my life is an unwelcomed but familiar foe in medicine. Today and most days this week, I’ve fought not to compare myself to the people around me, because I know we’re all going through it.
Another important happening today is that my soul sister, twin flame, confidante, companion, kindred soul and friend Carly starts her 28th lap around the sun. It’s kind of a big day, today. She’s presenting her research at the conference I didn’t go to, and turning a year older and returning from a month practicing international rural medicine and generally kicking life’s ass. In a cruel twist of fate, we are pursuing the same dream, running the same race, vying for the selective and exclusive spots in our future dream careers.
My intrusive thoughts include that Carly would have noticed that Chris was in v fib right away and saved his life and discharged him all by the time I decided to page cardiology or get the zoll out. While I know that’s not fair, I honor the part of myself that loves Carly in ways I am unable to love myself. So today, on her name day but also for every day, I want to publicly say thank you to Carly and our creator for the mirrors and reflections offered by this sweet, sweet friendship. Instead of fear and jealousy and comparison today and hopefully every day I choose to lean in and feel and share the love – for my best friend, for my fellow physician and for Chris, the plastic dummy man. Today he taught me about a lot more than just v fib.
